


try again

by nimdlez



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Feels, Introspection, M/M, Slice of Life, idk what this is, its word vomit thats what it is, nct night night happenings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 19:11:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15250119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimdlez/pseuds/nimdlez
Summary: in which it takes jaehyun a royal fuck up to realize that he's in love with johnny seo





	try again

**Author's Note:**

> this is so rusty...i wrote all of this on a whim at 2am and i haven't written a fic in 2 years...forgive my trash

              Jaehyun presses his mouth into a thin line, a grimace finding way onto his face after the third failed attempt for his sound check. It had been a long day of schedules, and all the technical difficulties with their radio show weren’t helping his mood. Next to him, Johnny was happily laughing at a joke from Jaejung, whose joke honestly wasn’t even that funny. Hearing their laughter suddenly made him even more cross. He felt ridiculously jealous for no reason.

              “Hyung, let’s start.” His voice is unintentionally sharp, and even Johnny raises a brow at his tone. Jaehyun realizes his mistake and turns his head, grimace being replaced by an innocent smile. He was tired of this, he was tired of all of it. “Sorry, just a bit under the weather.”

              He takes Johnny’s nodding as a sign of forgiveness and internally appreciates the elder’s soft nature. A sign flickers to life in the studio, a dull green against the yellow of the walls. Jaehyun sighs. They were on air.

-

              As the show begins to wind down, Jaehyun wants nothing more to put down his headphones and bolt out of the studio for the comfort of his bed, but he holds it in as he knows the camera is still recording their every move. Next to him, Johnny is enthusiastically talking to their guest of the night, a rookie group that Jaehyun has already forgotten the name of. They’re young, younger than he is, and he struggles to keep up with the conversation. At one point in the show, he gives up and lets Johnny do most of the talking. The other had always been better at it than him and the rookies are eating up his every word. Jaehyun internally scoffs and looks up from the user-submitted stories before briefly flashing a peace sign at the camera and brushing a hand through his hair. The fans loved that sort of stuff.

              As Johnny continues talking to the rookies, Jaehyun allows his mind to wander off. They had just finished promoting on music shows, but for Jaehyun, the work never ended. He had a photoshoot tomorrow for a magazine he had never heard of, and after that, an interview. After that, came vocal lessons and dance lessons. After that, he had promised to help Haechan practice Japanese. What came after, Jaehyun didn’t want to remember. He knew he would get a text with his schedule after the broadcast ended.

              “Jaehyun?”

              Jaehyun snaps out of his daydream and forgets he’s a public figure.

              “Fuck, what is it.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Jaehyun knows he screwed up. The rookies are looking at him with wide eyes, as if they were deer caught in headlights. He turns his head and Johnny is looking at him with an unreadable expression. Jaehyun’s blood runs cold as his mind races with any kind of excuses he can tell Johnny right then and there.

              Before Jaehyun can blurt anything more stupid out, Johnny turns back to the mic with a broad smile and gestures to the staff. “We’ll be taking a quick break, I’m sorry, Jae-D isn’t feeling too well.”

              The sign blinks and they’re off air. He looks up from his script and sees Johnny glaring at him again, thumb pointed at the door of the studio. Jaehyun silently gets up and walks past the nervous rookies who are quietly murmuring amongst themselves. A strong feeling of resentment bubbles up in him and so he walks outside to where Johnny is waiting with his arms crossed.

              “What the fuck was that.”

              “I’m sorr-“

              “That’s not going to cut it. We’re still new to the industry Jae, if you have an attitude controversy, they’ll rip you to shreds, not to even mention the rest of the group. Do you want us to be called failures again?”

              Johnny’s words sting. They hurt like hell and Jaehyun feels something ugly inside him well up.

              “Well I’m sorry that I’m so busy and in such a bad mood, I’m human too you know.”

              “That doesn’t excuse your behavior, how do you think the rookies felt when they saw you? We’re idols Jae. You’ve been off the whole day and it’s been worrying me.” Jaehyun knows he right, he knows all too well, but his pride won’t allow for it. Even when scolding him, Johnny’s face still shows signs of concern and worry which infuriates him even more. Johnny didn’t deserve this kind of treatment, but here he was, acting like a stubborn child in front of one of the members he cared for the most. He can’t stop his tongue.

              “Yeah? Well maybe you shouldn’t worry about me and worry about your lack of schedules instead.” For the second time today, Jaehyun fucks up again, but this time it’s even worse. Johnny’s face turns from worry and concern to incredible hurt and astonishment. He can’t believe he just hit Johnny where it hurt most. He was the worst. Jaehyun doesn’t think a million lifetimes of saying sorry could make up for this, so he does the next most logical thing. He turns on his heel and walks back into the studio, leaving a shocked Johnny standing outside the door.

              Jaehyun sits back in his seat, and a few moments later, he can feel Johnny is sitting down next to him. They finish the rest of the show on pins and needles, and the rookies quickly make their exit after the routine pictures have been taken. Johnny doesn’t talk to him, except for the necessary formalities here and there. Jaehyun wants for nothing more for the floor to open up and swallow him right then and there.

              The ride back to the dorms is unbearably silent. Their manager looks like he wants to question them about what happened, but Jaehyun shoots him a pleading look and the man doesn’t say a word for the duration of the ride. He can’t muster up the courage to say anything to Johnny, who ignores his stares and chooses to instead stare out the window. His phone rings in his pocket, and when he takes it out, he sees a text with his schedule for the next day. Jaehyun feels sick to his stomach.

              When they reach the dorms, Johnny leans toward their manager and mumbles a few sentences too low for Jaehyun to catch. What he does catch, is the elder’s short glance toward him, which makes him avert his eyes in shame. When he looks back up, Johnny is gone, and what greets him instead is a very angry manager. He figures he deserves it.

-

              Jaehyun is lying in bed when the door creaks open, and he hurriedly gets up and wipes his puffy eyes. He looks up to see who it is, and sees it’s Taeyong, not Johnny. He sighs.

              “Wow, that disappointed to see me?” Jaehyun cracks half a smile at Taeyong’s attempt at a joke and moves over on the sheets for the leader to sit next to him. They sit in silence for a while, just staring into the darkness. It’s a comfortable silence. Jaehyun always felt comfortable around Taeyong.

              “I messed up hyung. Really bad.”

              “Yeah I heard. Do you want to tell me about it?”

              Jaehyun takes a deep sigh and lets everything spill out. “I’ve been stressed out recently. I don’t think any of the managers predicted my sudden popularity, and so they’re also stressing out with trying to manage me. Going back and forth is tiring hyung, I’m so tired. I took it all out on Johnny too, during the live show. Manager hyung said they could do damage control on the broadcast, but I’m still scared. What if I damage the group? What if Johnny hates me?” Before long, Jaehyun is a blubbering mess and he sniffles into Taeyong’s shoulder as the elder pulls him into a hug. He hated being so vulnerable, he really did.

              “Oh Jae, sometimes I forget you’re still a kid.” Taeyong is stroking his hair with long fingers and Jaehyun must will himself to stop messing up the leader’s pajamas with his ugly tears. “You messed up, but it can be fixed, can’t it? You’re okay, and Johnny is still okay. I don’t know what you said to him, but nothing can’t be fixed with a genuine apology. Don’t worry about the group, that’s my responsibility, not yours, did you think you were the leader now or something?”

              Jaehyun laughs weakly and pulls away from Taeyong, who is sporting his signature leaderly smile. It was moments like these where Taeyong shined the most.

              “You’re smiling already? Good. Johnny is waiting for you in his room. He didn’t tell me he was, but I can tell he is.” Taeyong hits him affectionately, albeit a bit rough on the back and Jaehyun yelps before getting off his bed. “Think about what he means to you, okay? Go get ‘em tiger.”

              Jaehyun flashes the leader a confused look, but Taeyong only smiles and leaves the room. It’s late at night and most everyone else is asleep, and a small part of him hopes Johnny is showering or sleeping or not there, but he knocks anyways.

              “Come in.” Jaehyun sighs and slowly opens the door to see Johnny sitting on the bed, one earphone in and the bedside lamp on. He walks in and takes a seat on a chair; all the while Johnny watches him silently. Unlike before with Taeyong, this silence is deafening, suffocating him as he sits there and tries to come up with a thousand apologies in his head. None of them sound even half good enough for Johnny.

              “Youngho hyung, I’m so sorry. I know I can’t ever apologize enough for how much of an asshole I was toward you. You only wanted to make sure I was okay, but instead, I took out all my frustration on you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” Jaehyun is pretty sure he mumbles half of the words and his head is ducked down, but he doesn’t have the courage to look Johnny in the eyes. “You don’t have to forgive me, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for what I said and if you weren’t there, the situation could have been much worse. NCT really needs you in the group and so do I.”

              Jaehyun can hear his heart thumping in his chest and he’s pretty sure he looks like a disgusting mess. If he was Johnny, the last person he would want to see would be himself. As he continues to burn holes into the carpet, he hears quiet shuffling and hears Johnny’s footsteps grow louder. Jaehyun closes his eyes and braces himself for the punch that he is sure to come, but instead, no fists come his way. When Jaehyun opens his eyes, he sees Johnny crouching in front of him to where their eyes are slightly level and the elder’s longer hair is falling into his face. His eyes, light topaz and rimmed with long eyelashes, are filled with a softness that Jaehyun knows all too well. He’s been forgiven.

              Johnny takes Jaehyun’s hand and leads him to the bed. They sit down with their sides pressing into each other, and Johnny is tall enough to where Jaehyun can lean his head onto the elder’s broad shoulder and hear the steady rising of his chest.

              “You know Jae, when you said that, I wasn’t hurt at first. It was something I’ve heard a million times, whether it was to my face or over the web. But after I realized it came from you, I felt the pain like it was fresh in my mind. I know, that I’m not as popular as you. I know that. I know I’ve trained longer than most of you, and yet, I have nothing to show for it. I get it. But what can I do, I’m here, am I not? Might as well try my best.” His words break Jaehyun’s heart, but he can’t say anything to refute them. He doesn’t know what to say. None of the things Johnny says are true. Johnny was loved, he was talented, he was everything Jaehyun looked up to and wanted to be. He was everything and more to him. A role model, a reliable friend, a person that Jaehyun loved. He doesn’t know what to say.

              “You’re wrong hyung.”

              “About what?”

              “Everything.” Johnny laughs, although it’s a bit sad. Jaehyun wants to wipe all that sadness away. “Well, not everything. But earlier, you were wrong about all that. You’re everything NCT needs, we wouldn’t want anyone else. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

              Johnny just hums in response and Jaehyun purses his lips out of annoyance.

              “Were you even listening to me?”

              “Yes Jaehyun, I was.” The way Johnny says his name sends shivers down his spine. “I was listening to every word, thank you. I care about you a lot too.”

              Jaehyun thinks it’s a bit unfair, that he’s sitting next to Johnny, looking like a disgusting mess while the elder male looks like he was just sculptured by God himself. It’s unfortunate that that’s how Johnny looked every day. He’s miffed by the fact that he poured out his soul to the elder, for him to only tell Jaehyun “I care about you too.” Suddenly, Taeyong’s words from earlier hit him. Holy shit, he loved Johnny Seo. The same Johnny that he had known from his trainee days, the one who had welcomed him and befriended him from the very beginning. The same Johnny, who looked like art whenever he appeared in front of the camera or on stage. The same Johnny, who did dumb renditions of girl group dances and poked his dimples when they were live on air. He was in love with all of them. He’s suddenly aware of his embarrassing state and he stands up abruptly, his flushed face obvious even in the low light.

              “I have to go.” Jaehyun blurts out, but he’s too slow and Johnny grabs his wrist. Curse Johnny and his quick reflexes.

              “What’s wrong Jae? Did I say something wrong?”

              “No, you did everything right.”

              “Then what is it?”

              “I just realized that I’m hopelessly in love with you and have probably been in love with you for a long time.”

              “You’re what?” Jaehyun swears Johnny is fucking smiling, and if he wasn’t stupidly and newly in love with this man, he would punch that smile clear off his face. “I didn’t quite hear that.”

              “I said-“ Before he knows it, Johnny leans in and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. Jaehyun has been kissed before, he’s had plenty. But this wasn’t his cousin Nara’s kiss or Taeyong’s birthday kiss, this was something different. Even if it’s just on the cheek, Jaehyun feels the same way as when he stuck a fork into the electric socket when he was a little kid. It was electrifying.

              “I know what you said, I was just messing with you.”

              “…You knew.”

              “I had a slight feeling.”

              “How did you know? I just found it out right now.” Jaehyun says confusedly.

              Johnny does this cute thing where he rolls his eyes and sticks out his bottom lip. Jaehyun has never found it cuter than he has right now.

              “Because I’ve been in love with you, you’ve just been oblivious to it. Taeyong and the rest of the members have been placing bets on when you would either realize it yourself or when I would slip up. Can you believe they thought I would fess up first?”

              Jaehyun crinkles his nose. It all made sense now, but one thing was still puzzling to him.

              “Hyung…I have something serious to ask you…”

              Johhny looks at him inquisitively.

              “How can you find Jaejung’s jokes funny?”         

            

**Author's Note:**

> yes i know i made jaehyun a whiny b word who lowkey hates being an idol but he's my bias so maybe he deserves this b/c he's always making me feel things when he looks into the camera with his dumb hot face and yes i know the ending is rushed sue me  
> also: how can people sleep on johnjae? YOU HAVE ALL OF NCT NIGHT NIGHT TO USE AND SHIP THEM  
> also also: fight me if you think johnny isnt't perfect  
> my twitter is @nimdlez if u wanna talk johnjae or nct to me


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